Not Someone to Complete me
by SlowlyXGoingXDown
Summary: Andrea Black's thoughts of love and her life as she sits in a cell in Azkaban


I fell in love with him too quickly. I trusted him with my whole being, he was the person I thought completed me. Now I know that when in love you shouldn't look for the person that completes you, you should look for someone who compliments who you are. I wasn't comfortable with who I was as a person, so I went for looking for someone to complete me or make me feel like I was worthy when everyday I told myself otherwise. I only wish that I had been stronger back then, been able to resist his charm.

I can't really blame everything that has gone wrong on him though. I chose what path I was going to take. I could have gone to some of my old friends at school; I know that they would have let my son and I in. I guess that it's useless now to think of these things. I didn't know what else to do. He was in Azkaban, and I had no idea what to do. I was young and stupid.

Now that I look back on it I don't even know if he really ever loved me. At first when we were still in Hogwarts I was sure that he loved me. Lily told me to watch out for him. Of course I never listened., Sirius Black was a year older than me and so cute. I couldn't resist him. After he graduated everything was fine until around Christmas time of my Seventh year. His letters started coming in less often and they were shorter than before. My friend Meg told me that she was surprised that I had keep his attention for as long as I did. I was the longest girlfriend he had ever had and that was saying something. I just thought she was jealous of our relationship, so we exchanged angry words and stopped being friends after.

I kept hoping that he was just busy with training for being an Auror. I just told myself that he was tired and had a lot of things on his mind. He would come and see me in Hogsmeade when we were allowed to leave. A few times Lily, James, and Remus even came with him. I missed them all so much, but when they came I always felt so uncomfortable. Lily kept on giving me pity filled looks and James would glare at Sirius every time he would kiss me or tell me he loved me. Remus would just shake his head and try to act as if nothing was wrong but I could always see through him. On the last trip of the year Lily pulled me aside while James and Remus distracted Sirius. She tried to tell me that he has been cheating on me with many different girls and had been since around Christmas.

I refused to believe her. I told Lily that she was just jealous because I was happy with Sirius and we were in love. I was the only person that knew that Lily and Sirius had a relationship in their fifth year. That's actually how Lily and I became friends, because she knew that I was loyal and wouldn't tell anyone. Well anyways, Lily slapped me and told me that I was being a stupid little girl who needed to grow up and realize that this relationship was going to end up hurting me. I just laughed at her and pushed her aside. Another friendship ruined because I wanted to believe that he really loved me.

Sirius came to my graduation and asked me to marry him. I of course said yes. We got married soon after and I became the stay at home wife that I never wanted to be. I thought that maybe once we were married we would be able to spend more time together. Even though we lived in the same house I rarely saw him. Sometimes he wouldn't come home for a few days in a row. But he always came back. That's what kept me believing that he still loved me.

I got pregnant around the same time Lily and James did. Lily and I were on a very shaky standing with each other at the time. I still haven't forgiven her and she still insisted that I was being foolish for staying with him. Though we talked because our husbands were best friends. Aubrey was born first. Then a month later Harry. Sirius decided to name him Aubrey after he was born because of his blond hair. It means blond prince.

Sirius fell in love with Aubrey right away. He had my hair color but everything else about him shouted Sirius. Sirius was around more after he was born, though that didn't help our relationship any. Sirius would only look at me when he had too and he rarely ever touched me. Now that I think about it he was probably still cheating on me the nights when he said he had to go out on 'missions'. I didn't see that though then. I was happy to have Sirius around more and I had Aubrey.

The night that Sirius told the Dark Lord where the Potters were living was the worst night of my life. I still don't know why he did what he did. When they took him to Azkaban I took Aubrey and ran. We had very little money and with the last name Black no one was willing to give me a job. I somehow managed to get us a small little apartment where I left Aubrey to go in search of a job.

One day I ran across Bellatrix Black. She made me a offer that I couldn't resist. She promised to make sure my son has whatever he wanted as long as I join their side. I would of never have thought of doing something like that before, but for some reason I agreed. The Dark Lord was gone already, I thought he was dead. She kept good to her word. Bellatrix gave me money to get a better place to live and I was able to pay someone to watch Aubrey for me when I went out to find the Dark Lord.

One day a group of Auror caught us. I have no idea how they knew what we were trying to do, but they did. I was sent to Azkaban right along with the others. That is where I've been since.

Not a day has gone by where I don't think of how stupid I was and what is my son like now? Can he ever forgive me for what I did? I can only wish that I had more strength to leave Sirius before. Now I will never see my son again and he will never get to know how much his mother really loves him.

I saw Sirius when I came in here the first day; he gave me the strangest look, as I was led passed his cell. He yelled after me and asked about Aubrey, though I refused to talk to him. He still yells at me once in awhile, though I never say anything back to him. If it weren't for him I wouldn't of been forced to do the things that I did.

In a way I guess that I'm being unfair when I blame all my mistakes on him. I am the one who never listened to what everyone told me. I am the one who agreed to help Bellatrix. I just wish I could have one more day back of my youth where I was carefree and I could leave Sirius to himself. I guess I will never know why he married me. I like to think that he was trying to love me but he just didn't know how.

More than anything in this world I hope that my son never learns the truth of what kind of people his parents were. We both made grave mistakes and have in the end our child was the one who paid for it.

I will end up dying in this cell. I can feel it. Everyday I can feel it sinking into my body more and more. I have no idea how long I'll last. As strange as it sounds I'm actually looking forward to death. I have accepted the fact that everything I once thought was a lie and that love cannot make everything better.

In my next life I hope I take some of what I have learned in this one and find someone who makes me happy and who fits well with me. Not someone who completes me.


End file.
